Pain.

I recently posted on Facebook a status that was hard for me to write.  Not because I didn’t want to share, but because I wasn’t sure how others would take my sharing of a such a personal topic.  Less than a month ago I suffered a miscarriage.  Or, more appropriately, my partner and I suffered a miscarriage.  He is going through just as much emotional pain as I am, and I can see this pain in his eyes when he was at my side for the physical pain that I went through.

I am seeing a great counselor that has helped me though some things in the past.  She is giving me the tools that I need to be able to see the light at the other end of this ordeal.  Now that we are over the physical aspect of the miscarriage, there is still the emotional side that seems like it will take forever to get past.  I am the type of person who wants to be able to make a list and check off the steps, putting everything in it’s appropriate place and move forward.  Unfortunately for me, this is not how grief works.  This is why I am seeing the above mentioned counselor.  She can help me wrap my head around a process that is not linear in any fashion of the word.  She has helped me to see that I am not just grieving the loss of a child, but the loss of all the moments we had already thought about in this child’s life.  And that it is alright to feel ALL my emotions that come with this loss.  Even the ones that might make me feel guilty, like I didn’t really want to be pregnant in the first place (which is SO not true, but a way that my mind is now seeing the current situation and reassessing how I will move forward).  Life goes on, our plans have to change to accommodate what this crazy world has thrown at us.  We have to be able to accept that we may not understand the Why, but to be able to adapt and still work towards our long term goals.

I post this not for sympathy, but to let others know that they are not alone if they are going through the same pain.  Brian and I are slowly starting to move forward with our lives.  We both have had some amazing opportunities come about in the last few weeks and we are able to see the joy in brief glimpses.

 

Sunday Cooking

I started cooking on Sunday afternoon with the intent of making a pot of soup and some chicken thighs. These were two items on my weekly menu that I hadn’t made yet and all the ingredients were in the frig, so I dove right in. Somehow something clicked and I just kept going.

Over all I made a pot of soup, fruited chicken thighs, roasted cauliflower, bacon wrapped dates and carrot banana muffins. All of these recipes are from PaleoPlan, as I mentioned in my last post, they are a great meal planning service as well as a great source of information on Paleo in general.

Here are a few pictures of my kitchen adventures on a rainy Sunday afternoon in Western Oregon.

Fruited Chicken Thighs, Roasted Cauliflower, and Beef Soup.

Bacon Wrapped Dates, these are so easy and Brian loves them as a snack in his lunches throughout the week. (As do I!). We get our bacon from a local butcher shop, they have a great selection of nitrate and sugar free bacon and jerky.

I have made these Carrot Banana Muffins quite a few times. They are another great item to cook for lunches through out the week, or breakfast on the go. When we first went to a Paleo lifestyle I was a little intimidated by almond flour. The consistency is different, it doesn’t look or feel like “real flour” and I had no idea how it would react when it baked. It is different and it just took some getting used to. I also had to realize that the things I make now are not going to be like traditional baked good. But, we feel much better and these muffins are still delicious.

We have finally found the perfect truck to add to our farm this week. We have been looking for months for the exact model that Brian wanted. We were not in a rush and wanted to buy something that would fit our needs for the long haul as well as be reliable. All of these criteria were met with a 1996 F-250 Diesel. As you can see by the look on his face, he is happy with what the wait provided.

 

This is what cold looks like.

 

This was shot from the back of our property while I was doing chores yesterday morning.  We are in the middle of a cold snap and I think the trees look so pretty when they get the thin layer of frost on them.

 

 

Paleo on the farm. Something new…or really old.

As I have been seeing some of the people I follow on Twitter and Facebook start to post more regular blogs I have been bitten by the urge to post little things more regularly than I have been.  So, I hope that this is the first in a long line of posts that will be coming.  

Brian and I have gone Paleo in our diet and we are loving it.  We are not seeing it so much as a diet but as a new way of eating that makes us feel better.  I have been searching for new recipes to try and new books to read.  I have had to learn a new way of meal planning, but slowly it is coming together and I am feeling not so overwhelmed.

One thing that has helped me immensely is a service that sends you a shopping list and a whole week’s worth of recipes.  In the past I have used eMeals (and loved it) and they do have a Paleo option now as well.  But I was needing something more comprehensive (more than one meal a day) and something that used more fresh items instead of prepackaged ones.  After some research, I found PaeloPlan.  Which also happens to be located here in the Portland area so that was an unexpected plus.  

The plan sends you a new menu each week.  There are three meals a day as well as snacks.  The menu feels more refined than eMeals and the recipes are easy to follow.  I also like how they recognize that you most likely have to work all week and do not want to come home to prep a bunch of items.  At the beginning of each week there is a summary of what can be done ahead of time.  I think this has helped me stay on track, and by proxy also helped Brian stay on track.  We have both lost weight, but more importantly we feel better and have more energy.  

I am looking forward to planting a big garden and providing the majority of our vegetables this summer and fall.  It is great fun to sit next to the wood stove and plan out the spring garden and dream of days that are above 40 degrees and have a few rays of sunshine.  

Have you thought of going Paelo? Changed the way you have been eating lately?  Why? 

 

 

The List

I have been wanting to write a blog post for a while.  I get started on one and then I get distracted, and then it goes back on the the list.  I feel that I live from my list these days.  Work has gone from crazy to even more crazy.  Don’t get me wrong it is fun and for the most part I enjoy the daily grind.  But there are days when I get to work and then look up at it is literally 6:30 in the evening.  Ugh! I was supposed to leave an hour ago and I still have two hours of work on the list.  

I get home and there is usually another list of things that need to be accomplished on the home front.  And all I want to do is sit on the couch with my love and find out how his day went.  But, there are things that need to be accomplished.  We must do something!

I realize this is not an uncommon occurrence.  In fact I think this is called life.  Being an adult.  Having responsibilities.  It’s supposed to be fun.  Grow up they said.  Get a job they said.  It will be fun they said.  Who are these people and where are they to show me where the fun part is?

I do have fun.  I just think this is one of those times when a lot needs to get accomplished and there are not enough hours in the year to accomplish them.  But I am not sure it is going to slow down.  The List is not getting any shorter.  We remove one item (get a herd of sheep) and add three other (vaccinate the sheep, build fence, and build a house).

Speaking of a house.  We have decided on a floor plan.  Let me rephrase that.  We have decided on an arrangement of wood, screws and glass that is going to cost us a lot of money.  One that we are going to be paying on for a long time.  But one that will allow us to grow into a family.  We will move from being a him and I to a family.  

Wow.  So that was a random amount of information that I threw together in one post.  But I think I will just go with this.  Hit the post button and move forward.  No more starting and stopping a post because I am not sure I need to word a certain sentance a certain way. So, hello out there.

 

Rain and more rain

The rain came on with a vengeance over the past week and a half. The little stream in the middle of our property has turned to a raging river and the pond has turned into a lake. It has been the oddest thing to watch. One day is was normal and the next overflowing.

Chance had his blanket on for a few days when the rain and wind were just too much for him to handle. He is ok with one or the other, but when both come at once he gets a little cold. When I took his blanket off, he was almost his usual color, which he hadn’t been for quite a few months.

 

Christmas on the farm

Here are a few quick pics of our Christmas tree.

 

Actual autumn leaves

When I got to work this morning these leave caught my attention. So I thought I would share.

 

Feel like I need a list

1. Work on writing.  Since I have been out of school I feel like I am losing the skill.

2. Knit more regularly.  I recently read that knitting 10 rows a day can help you stay focused, so I tried that last night and it fit in our routine.  I am making some headway on the second half of the Autumn Leaves Stole.

3. Read a few more books.

4. Mainly find more time for the things that I enjoy.

5. The rain is coming for the season.  Already.  It seems that we have had no fall or spring this year.  Yuck.

 

WIP: Autum Leaves Stole

I needed a project for the new season, so I cast on a Jared Flood pattern and I am thoroughly enjoying it.

This is the completed first half.  The pattern is written so that you knit two halves and then graft them together.  I am a little nervous about learning to graft 67 stitches, I have only ever grafted the toe of a sock.  Should be a good learning experience.

There haven’t been much going ons on the farm these days.  We still have the same amount of animals.  The garden is put away for the winter.  Due to an unfortunate incident with the lambs using the garden as their all you can eat buffet we did not have as good of a harvest as we hoped. Here is a picture of the last few items we were able to salvage.

And now I am going to try and remember to blog a little more often.